I'm not so sure I should miss you...
You have betrayed me and robbed me of so many years of spending good times with my family and friends. You anaesthetized my creative spirit and smothered my fire into ashes.
I thought you were my profound lost object when I first met you, Cocaine. You lifted me out of my depression and made me feel inspired, grateful for my life's experiences. The pain of my first love's rejection was gone and I had nothing but gratitude for having had him in my life, even for a short time.
But you tricked me, Tom Sawyer. It was less fun than previously indicated when you suddenly left me and I felt tiny and alone. I wanted to be with you all the time. 24 hours a day. I had a reason to live again. I was so scared that you might kill me and I'll never be able to see you again. But you kept coming to me and then disappear without reason. I was crushed.
Enslaved by the wonderment of your presence. You left me panting for more of your company and when I finally decided to leave you, my life did not get better.
I kept seeing you everywhere. Even your smell haunted me. At night I dreamt we got back together. That it was just a misunderstanding. And the guilt of relapse was acute and flinty when I woke up, heart racing. I missed you but not your violent mood swings and stinging disloyalty. I was desperate to get over you but I miss your magic even now. I remember so well how you always managed to cheer me up. The world had vivid colour with you by my side. I thought you were my truest soul-mate, which I was born to be with. My mouth felt dry without you and my stress levels rose to an unbearable height. My life felt unmanageable and difficult to the point of paralysis.
So I got married and on my honeymoon I hooked up with YOU, again, Alcohol.
You a nasty bitch.
You took my shiny new husband away and turned him into a jabbering monkey. Talk about a bad romance. And you introduced me to Cocaine’s crippled sister, Cat, who had none of the finesse of the lamented former. I nearly died from her touch but she yo-yoed me right back to her bosom when I divorced and needed comfort.
Novocain for the soul.
You nearly killed him, Kitty Cat, sunk his cheeks and dulled his eyes. He buried himself prematurely in a dark room and you succeeded in obliterating my marriage. Where the lovely Cocaine made me feel like I was cheating on her with my husband, you were an obvious mistress and love left me with a bitter taste in my throat.
But eventually I succumbed to your cheaper price and promise of quantity. You did not block my nose like Cocaine did, and encouraged me to use you indefinitely.
You were a constant.
I never trusted you, though. I didn’t even like you much, come to think of it. You made me sick to my stomach and then dangled the carrot of relief in front of my tired eyes. Something I chased fervently. I spent all my resources and grew hungrier. You kicked ass, then hypnotized me into thinking it’s an effective distraction from my awful loneliness.
And along came Stilnox. I suspect Stilnox and Cat were in cahoots. Wherever the one burned fresh holes, the other soothed and band-aided. I was so busy trying to keep this duo busy that I almost killed myself racing around in my car at night and sleeping when I should have been at work. I’m still waiting on the consequences of this behavior.
Ah Acid.
My baby.
You only visit me about twice a year. Flying down from your wonderland. And when you leave I am left relieved and sated. You have enchanted me with glittery murals on blank walls and boundless mirth bubbling from my heart like a brook. Sometimes you made me sick but your beauty was worth it and you were a kind friend. Something I needed after Cocaine and Cat had mind-fucked me to within an inch of my sanity.
I’m not convinced I want to refuse your friendship. You don’t seem to mean me any harm and have yet to stab me in the back.
As for you Cocaine, Cat, Stilnox and Alcohol: even though I loved each of you in different ways and cherished your empty promises, I need you to piss off now. This time I have Faverin and Lamictin holding my hands, fortifying my resolve and enriching my life in a way you never, ever did. I will not fall at your feet again because I am too good for you. I aim to change my number so don’t call me again and if you approach me at an event I will pointedly reject you and leave. You will not ruin good, pure things for me anymore.
Why?
Because fuck you, that’s why.
Weird Love
Elmien
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